Funeral directing is not known to be a barrel of laughs. But it has its lighter moments. Here is a recent enquiry.

“I was wondering if you could offer some advice. Would I be allowed to incorporate a Cooper’s Hill (near Gloucester) element into my burial? I plan to be encased in wax and rolled down a hill, being chased by strong men (a personal penchant). The final destination being a pre-prepared grave at the bottom of this very steep hill. Can you help? Yours sincerely.”

Our response: “Your plan sounds ambitious; a couple of suggestions, if I may. Firstly, fibreglass will be stronger than wax, and has less friction, resulting in a more impressive descent. Secondly, we would need a ramp at the bottom to ensure the bodyball would leap high enough in the air to hit the downhill edge of the grave and drop in, rather than carry on across the A46. This would require at least three dummy runs to get the distances and angles correctly aligned. So again, fibreglass.

We are committed to all our funerals running smoothly, so we would model this both in miniature and on our virtual computer-modelling system to ensure that your end is dignified by a perfect landing and that you and your family’s wishes are fully carried out. Two questions: what would you anticipate your final weight to be and would you require our bearers (all strong chaps) to be formally dressed for the occasion?

We would need permission from the landowner and the Environment Agency but I cannot think they would balk at such an innovative event. There are obvious opportunities for merchandising and tourism; the event could even be streamed live, generating significant revenue.

Let us meet up soon to iron out any wrinkles. With warm good wishes.”

Disappointingly, the enquiry was a hook from a person selling silicone sex dolls. Yuck.

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